For over a year, I’ve been consciously dealing with a perceived personality flaw. Unconsciously I had been trying to mitigate it for years due to my oldest friend’s behavior around me. A little over a year ago, it was flung into my face by a group of friends who blind-sided me with it. And though it was time for me to move on from that group of friends for other reasons, I still walked away from the ordeal truly examining what was wrong with me. To the point that I became more wary of human interaction and feared ever making new friends.
Then it dawned on me that it was not my flaw, but theirs.
Of course, that is the cry of many people who don’t want to deal with fixing a negative in their personality. But seeing as this flaw attributed to me is seen as a flaw in the public, I can see what has happened.
I am accused of being opinionated. This is thrown in my face by my younger brother. My oldest friend hides things from me, because she doesn’t want to hear my opinion (or already knows it). My old group of friends shoved it in my face, saying that I needed to keep my opinions to myself (even though we had a bi-monthly discussion group).
And here is where everyone has it wrong. Even I had it wrong. Opinionated does not equal judgmental.
I am well-read, enjoy research, and am truly fascinated by my fellow man. I love science. I love music. I love a whole lotta damn things. If I didn’t form opinions on subjects, topics, and thoughts, well then, I’m an idiot. Or possibly a Zen Buddhist. Could you imagine? A college full of brilliant minds and none of them had any of their own thoughts on matters?
Opinionated means I have come to a decision of how I see or feel on certain things. That’s it. If you bring up to me an article on bottle-feeding baby tigers, I will assume we are having a conversation and will therefore bring up my own opinion on it. And then I will pause and wait to hear your opinion on it. If you have a different opinion on the subject, I will think about it, possibly disagree with you, using points and facts I have learned to illustrate why my opinion was formed differently from yours. This is how discussions work. This is how information is passed and how I may learn something new that will change my opinion on the subject.
Now, let me give you an example of how judgement works. My mother was judgmental. She made up her mind on something and only she had the ability to change that opinion. What I or anyone else thought, or any facts we brought forward, were nothing to her. She would denigrate anyone who had a differing opinion than her and would have no qualms about telling them so, or waiting until their back was turned to tell everyone else how stupid she thought them. This behavior is judgmental. This behavior is why I thought “being opinionated” was so bad. But what my mother did is not what I do. I welcome differing opinions. That isn’t to say I am going to agree with you because I do have my own brain. But that doesn’t automatically qualify you as less-than in my book.
We really can agree to disagree. This is totally ok. This is the issue with my oldest friend. She can’t make decisions. Ever. Everyone who knows her knows this. She often uses me for a sounding board to see what I think she should do. So it isn’t fair that she then hides things from me. It’s not the stuff that she hides that bothers me (I really don’t care if her husband smokes. I don’t live with him.) but it’s the fact that she hides anything at all. I feel close friends should be able to say anything to each other, share secrets, fears, and be safe and secure in the friendship. She clearly doesn’t feel that way because she is threatened by my thoughts on things. If she were to tell me years ago that her new husband smokes, she knows I would have said, “uh oh, you said you’d never marry a smoker. You tell him to smoke outside? Man, that sucks. And you being in the health field and everything.” And if she had replied with, “Yeah, well, I didn’t know he was a social smoker until I was already in love with him,” I would have nodded and said, “Ah, that sucks. Well, is he open to quitting if he only does it socially?” But that conversation never got to take place. Instead she slipped up one time about his smoking and then went on the defensive in such a painfully awkward way, I just smiled and nodded and didn’t say a word, hurt that she continued to hide things from me.
So the weakness in character wasn’t in mine, but in others. They do not feel confident enough in themselves to listen to a differing opinion. Perhaps it’s because I really can site my sources, because I really am well-read, and they may not be. I know that if I don’t have enough information on a topic, my own opinion on it is fairly weak. Which is why I would love to sit down and have a discussion on it so I can learn. However, just because you got your opinion on something off the TV or from a chain email doesn’t mean I’m the jerk for bringing up a differing opinion and being able to support it. Which is where I think I get into trouble. Just as I assume grown-ups are going to have the emotional control and maturity of adults, I also assume someone asserting an opinion on something has actually formed that opinion based on facts or experience. So, if anything, I have the personality flaw of assuming too much. (I am working on it.)
But I am hereby taking back the meaning of “opinionated.” It is not a negative or insult. It just translates to “well-read and thoughtful and eager to have discussions.” Your Uncle John who spouts off on everything political but hasn’t actually read anything and doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on it unless you mirror his? Yeah, he’s judgmental (and possibly stupid). Don’t give him or his kind the honor of being called opinionated.
Okay, now you tell me. Am I off base? Should I put this whole idea away and continue to work on being less opinionated? What do you think? Tell me true. I honestly would love the discussion.
Laura D Durham 
Your final statements on the difference between the words “opinionated” and “judgmental” are spot on. Thank you for putting a face on this issue.
From experience, it can be threatening when someone comes to the battlefield with bigger guns than you (knowledge), but in that case, they should exhibit the wisdom of listening. No conversation has to end in a moment… If they fall short, they should go home and do their homework if they’re interested in the subject matter still.
Being opinionated and informed is important. There are many walks of people in this world… Perhaps you are not surrounded with the people that will compliment your passion to discuss. Without discussion we find complacency. With complacency, we find the true horrors of history have been committed.
I like that: “No conversation has to end in a moment.” That’s beautiful and so true. I don’t think most of us think about that. It’s ok to say, “I’ll have to learn a little more so we can continue this conversation. Lunch next week?” What a nice way to pause a conversation. No judgment, no acrimonious ending. Just a pause.
I agree that you have strong opinions. So do I. But I’ve never once experienced judgment from you. I think it possibly goes further from just having opinions. You also tell the truth. You care enough to be completely honest rather than doing side-steps with those you love. Your honesty isn’t judgmental or self-serving. You just seem to have this trust and optimism in others that allows you to speak from the heart and believe others will do the same in return. I’ve learned, though, that not everyone wants honesty or opinions. They want cheerleaders. And how can any relationship grow or strengthen when one is expected to only smile and nod? I love your opinions, your honesty, and I value you in my life. I remember once when you gave me your very clear opinion on my hesitance to be completely honest with you since that honesty had cost me dearly. I didn’t come away from that discussion feeling judged. I came away realizing I had let you down and I could have and should have done better by you. I grew from you sharing your opinion with me. You let me know it was okay to have a voice and you wouldn’t judge me or disappear. You are NOT flawed. The flaw is within those who either can’t or won’t allow a relationship to be more than surface. That’s my opinion.
Yes, yes, that exactly! Why WOULDN’T you tell the truth to the people you care about. I don’t mean being mean about it. If you think they are insane for quitting their job to play bluegrass out of their van, you could help them look at the pros and cons and if they are still going to do it, then you support them the best you can with a “I think you’re nuts, but I’ll clap the loudest for you”. And then be ecstatic when they become a sensation and you were proved wrong. If your best friend keeps picking the worst partners in the world, it’s your duty as their best friend to help them see that and help them get out of the cycle they are in, even if it means them getting mad at you, even cutting you out for a while. I would completely expect that kind of love and willingness from my own loved ones. Why the hell do we have a support system if we only want mirrors to nod and smile back at us? If I ask you “do I look ok in this dress I love?” I want you to actually say the truth rather than let me walk around looking like an idiot. And if I say, “I probably look like an idiot in this dress but I love it and am going to wear it anyway,” then you don’t have to say a damn thing.
Also, you’ve never let me down. I’ve felt frustrated on your behalf, but never felt let down by you. Its like if I boost you up and you aren’t ready to grab the ledge, I’m going to be frustrated that you won’t get to see the beautiful sights from up high, but I’m not going to think you failed in anyway. I’ll wait and boost you up again when you are ready. And I hope –expect– that my friends, the real ones that I am slowly pulling out of the noisy crowd, would act the same.